I Can’t Cook for Beans

Prior to moving to England in 2004 I decided that, for financial reasons, I would make beans and legumes a major part of my diet. At the time it seemed that I could replace much of my meat consumption with beans to reduce my food costs. I hoped to save fistfuls of money with this scheme.

Shortly after arriving I purchased all kinds of beans and related foodstuffs. Included in my purchases were bags of kidney beans, chickpeas, yellow split peas, mung beans and at least two varieties of lentils. During my stay I also purchased several varieties of canned beans (though not baked beans).

With a great deal of passion and ingenuity I slipped these items into my diet. For weeks if not months I frequently had soups, stews, and curries made with bean bases. The end result was quite similar for all of these products; they could only be eaten with great intent and an ignorance of flavor and texture. As indicated, for weeks I plodded on with this great mission. My belief was that if I kept at it I would save money, be healthy, and fail to contract mad cow. The world, as least as far as bean related dishes went, was my BSE free oyster.

This program of self-torture continued until my parents came to visit me at Christmas. For the first time in months I was served normal, bean free meal, cooked by someone with a culinary aptitude. It was wonderful. We had turkey and chicken and haggis, and many other bean free meals. Food had not tasted so good to me for years. I very quickly decided budget or not, the bean program would have to end once I returned to cooking for myself.

Immediately upon my return these dastardly foods were stricken from my diet, with the exception of my weekly batch of pea soup. I realized that I could actually find inexpensive meat-containing bean free alternatives. A particular favorite of mine, then and now, is the quarter-chicken (leg and thigh), which can usually be purchased for a reasonable price.

For the rest of my stay in England, I will go so far as to say that I started eating well, especially once I started making my own bread. The beans were gone and I wasn’t missing them. Amazingly, my budget did not seem to suffer after the abandonment of those nasty beans.

Though beans were banished from my diet almost two years ago, they are slowly starting to make their way back into my diet, or at least my shopping basket. When I go to the grocery store I can’t help but noticing the beans, especially if they are on sale. Beans in the bag and can format attract my attention, even though I am equally unqualified to cook either type.

Over the past few days, cans of mixed beans have tempted me. These cans have nice pictures of the contents, which are 5-6 different varieties of beans. For about a dollar I can have this flashy can of beans in my very own kitchen and then pot!

Even though the contents are presented in a flashier manner, I am still having the same problem, which is that I just can’t get beans to come out well. My bean dishes always seem to taste the same and have a very off-putting texture. The odd thing about this all is that many people, and cultures generally, do quite amazing things with beans. For some reason I just don’t have the touch with beans.

My mixed bean soup of tonight was no different. The end result was a product with the same crappy texture contaminated by the same crappy flavor. The can looked flashy but it sure didn’t make the soup any tastier.

Anyway, I am hoping I have learned my lesson: I can’t cook with beans. Odds are I haven’t, but at least I am stuck on poorly cooking a relatively inexpensive food.